Closing the College Chapter

As I continued with college and life, I was in a constant battle about what to do. I was frustrated with school and lacked direction. I couldn't decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. I guess that's still a bit of a problem I have even today. Many people still say I'm a kid at heart. In school, I never really felt a clear direction regarding a career. I figured if I just got started, something would come to me… it didn't.

I really enjoyed the Baptist Student Union (BSU) and the continued mission trips and studies we did. At one point, there was a leadership change, and adjustments were made on campus with the BSU. The new leader was rarely there, and I found myself leading most weeks. I did this for a good period until someone else finally stepped up to take over. Shortly after, I started losing a lot of momentum in school and began planning to drop out. At this point, I was about three years in and still hadn't completed my basic requirements due to the extra classes I had to take because of low test scores.

I ended up dropping out of college and jumping full steam into the workforce. I was already working several part-time jobs to fit in with school, but now I could focus on more full-time work with school out of the way. I don't always agree with this decision for everyone, and in no way am I saying school isn't important. It very much is. But for me, in those moments, it was a struggle, with no direction and limited guidance.

I was still growing in some friendships that would later play vital roles in my life, even in the present day. I was still dating this girl and growing closer to her and her family. Eventually, her father even asked me if and when I would propose to his daughter. I took that as his approval and started the planning process. Later that year, I popped the question, she said yes, and we started planning a wedding, all while she finished her senior year.

As our relationship continued to grow, my walk with God slowed down. I became distracted and made some bad decisions. At one point, she talked about going off to college, and we discussed what that would look like for us. She wanted to live in a dorm and attend a college away from our area. I wasn't a fan of this and suggested that if she wanted that, we would wait to get married a little later. She chose marriage and agreed to attend the local college. So we continued planning the wedding.

This is a part of my life that I have tried so hard to move on from. Yes, it has made me part of who I am today, scars and all. But I still don't enjoy typing these words and reliving these memories. Like a lot of couples, we had our ups and downs. We argued and disagreed a lot on things. I feel like a big chunk of our relationship was built on lust and selfishness.

She went on to finish her senior year in high school, planning a wedding and considering college for herself. Now, we did have some awesome moments of growth within our setbacks. We still tried to stay in church together and grow closer to God as a couple. That is really hard to do when sin is still present. I see many people in their lives wanting to grow or lead, but ultimately can't due to the sin in their lives keeping them away from God and His awesome love that He wants to share with us. Please, if you are reading this and this is you, STOP. Consider what you are doing. You cannot do this in your own way. God calls us to leave these sins so we can hear Him better and grow closer to Him.

I know so many people who struggle with this. It has destroyed families, relationships, and so much more. These sins we struggle with often don't just affect ourselves, but they affect those around us as well. God doesn't call us to Him saying we need to clean up first before coming. God says “come” and then let Him actually do the cleaning in our lives. The problem usually is we want God and we still want the sin. You cannot have both. Please pursue God, pursue His truth.